Monday, March 5, 2012

Why Do Men Do That?!

Q: What the hell does "I want space" mean?
A: It means he wants to be an astronaut. This is a common fantasy among young men. They long for the sense of wonder and adventure. The appeal of food in a tube. The utter and complete loneliness of a tiny room in an empty, endless vacuum where no one can ask anything of them. Perhaps this room contains some video games and some sexy space aliens. The emotional truth about men is that they occasionally wish to return to a time when they had no responsibility for anyone's life or happiness but their own, and could look forward to frolicking in zero gravity while hugging and kissing all the exotic, sexy girls out there waiting to be found.

This time in men's lives lasts from about age 16-25, and the idea that 'we can regain it later' is a fantasy. Let him have his space camp. Like most astronauts' girlfriends, you must hope he will realize man cannot live on food in a tube forever.

Q: Why is it when you don't pay attention to a man, he won't leave you alone. But as soon as you start showing some interest, he doesn't want anything to do with you?
A: When you are not paying attention to a man, you seem confident and mysterious to him. Men like attention, and they like to be liked; thus the greatest mystery in a man's life is: Why aren't you paying attention to me and telling me how awesome I am now? Unfortunately, once you offer a man the attention he craves, his desire to be wanted comes up against the biological force: his revulsion of being required. That is to say, his brain says: Thank you for appreciating me finally. But now that you have the merest hello, it is really important for me to signal to myself and others that I am still available to procreate AT ANY MOMENT WITH ANYONE. This, sadly, is called evolution. Luckily, some men are better at managing their biological impulses and can handle being talked to by a woman graciously and confidently. These are the men you want.

Q: Why do guys act like they don't like you when their friends are around?
A: Again, it's a matter of evolutionary biology. The male imperative is to mate as many times as possible, and he is competing with other males constantly for this privilege. If he reveals to his bros that he is monogamously committed to a single woman, then they will go out and have sex with all the other women, and their bastard children will outnumber his one faithfully parented child, and then his genetic line will die out. It's like asking them to go to the ballet. Eventually, or at least in most cases, men gain the maturity to put these urges behind them. But if you cannot wait for that to happen, simply explain to your boyfriend that you are going to 'mate' with him a lot. It might even work.

Q: Why do my ex boyfriends continue to contact me after they dump me? What do they want?
A: They want to believe that they are still wanted by you, and that even though they may have hurt you, they are still really good people at heart - maybe even awesome people - who did absolutely nothing wrong and with whom you might still have sex. But now that you know what is behind this, you can torture him by having a long, friendly conversation and then saying, "Oh, I thought you were the other Mike/Dave/Joe "

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